Families: made, not born

I always thought if I ever had kids, I’d adopt them. I mean, that’s what my parents did, so obviously that’s how families are made. Right?

As I got older, it made even more sense. No painful labor? Check.

No gaining lots of weight? Check.

No worrying about mysteries in my genetic background coming back to bite me in the form of some strange genetic disorder? Check!

I don’t feel weird or different or special (OK, maybe a little special) because I’m adopted. I have awesome parents and I remember no others. So what could possibly be a problem?

Well...there’s the price. Adoption is very expensive (especially overseas). A friend from high school insisted she was treated differently than her bio siblings. My sister doesn’t look like me, so nobody believes we’re related. That makes me sad.

For the kids themselves, there are other challenges. People you barely know ask intrusive questions about finding “real” parents, as though curiosity is a valid reason to disrupt a stranger’s life. I’ve known people who lean on their adopted status to justify a myriad of problems: abandonment issues, confusion about their background, frustration at having no health history. (Some of these “issues” I think are bunk, some I think are valid, but that’s for another time.)

There are hard questions all over the place here, so let’s open it up! Some of the things I want to talk about, with the permission of my gracious hosts:

What is heritage? Is it something thrust upon us or something we choose to engage with? Is it different than ethnicity?

How do you strike the delicate balance between respecting birth parents and their selfless choice and giving due respect to the adoptive parents? (Further, why do I still get so rankled when someone references my “real” parents? I find that incredibly offensive and insensitive to my mom and dad. Is that a reasonable reaction?)

How do you explain to a young child what adoption is and how it works?

How do you integrate a family with biological and adopted children?

Do skin color differences a) matter, b) affect the child, c) warrant concern depending on the make-up of your community?

The other day on the radio I heard a talk show host say that adoptive kids are, statistically, psychologically more well-adjusted than their biologically raised counterparts. While I'm admittedly kind of tickled by that, I believe that if a child is raised by two loving, attentive parents, he or she has the best chance of growing up happy, healthy and sane.

In my mind, families are made, not born, crafted by God, full of challenges and joys unique to each mother, father and child. I now know that adoption is just one way to make a family. You'll forgive me if it's still one of my very favorite ways God works.

Happy Advent,

Lindsay