When does one finally come to terms with adoption? For parents, when did you realize that this is where God was calling you – calling you to have a child that is not your flesh and blood child – and then you realize that there really is no difference between that child and your other children?
Someone who I attend class with asked me the other day why we were doing an international adoption. I don’t recall my exact response but I do recall them asking the follow up question of “well, its not really your child, so how could you know what is best of them?” From talking with this person before (this is the same person that has started referring to me as Angelina Jolie – apparently she adopted from Ethiopia), anyway, I have come to discover that my classmate somehow think it is wrong for Americans to go overseas and "take" children – to this person it is something not far from kidnapping. Now, I can’t say that I understand this sentiment but it is not the first time I have heard it expressed either.
Just because I am not adopting a blue-eyed, blond-haired child does not change the way I already feel about my child. This concept has been very difficult for my classmate to understand, much less accept it. He does not have children of his own and according to him had a very nasty divorce from his wife and other things have happened in his life that may have cause his outlook on life to be a bit cynical. That being said – how does one deal with others who don’t view your child (your adopted child) as your own child?
I already view the child that God has planned for us in Ethiopia as my child. I refer to this baby (whether he or she has been conceived yet) as our child. I don’t see the difference…it seems to me that this is just another form of pregnancy. We simply found out we were expecting earlier than a pregnancy takes. I am experiencing the same sorts of conflicting emotions and the fear that comes with the unknown. In the case of our adoption – fear for my child’s safety (no different than fear for a child I carry), fear for the future and being able to provide for the child and be the best parent that that child needs (no different than fearing for a biological child you are going to raise from their birth on), conflicting emotions over whether or not I am doing the right things (no different than wondering if eating this extra piece of cake is the right thing for my body now that I am carrying a baby)…. those sorts of things. It really is no different in my eye, so how can I convince others of that and help them to see that God has already given me a child to care for, love and worry over?
1 comment:
I love this post, because I cherish the idea that I have ALWAYS been my parents' daughter, from the moment they decided to adopt.
I used to wonder what I would be like if I was actually biologically my parents' kid, what I would look like and how I would be different. Even so, I strongly lean toward the NURTURE side of the nature vs. nurture question. I think your child will too, especially once he/she bonds with mom and dad. :-)
But about your classmate...I wasn't there for this conversation, obviously, but perhaps what your classmate wanted to hear was your understanding that to give away a child that grew in your body is an amazing, profound gift, and that you have compassion for that woman as much as you have compassion for her (and your future) child. I know you feel these things, but perhaps he didn't understand. That's assuming his heart was in the right place and he wasn't actually being racist, just confused (?).
As for the country concern, he's just wrong. My new niece or nephew will be American (a Wisconsin kid like the rest of your boys!) as soon as he or she returns home, with a rich, beautiful background and former nationality that you will be able to learn about. Just keep that knowledge in your heart, keep smiling through the wait, and we'll all be waiting and praying with you. :-)
Much love,
Lindsay
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