Drive-By Culture

Drive-by Culture from Love isn't Enough: On Raising a Family in a Colorstuck World, by Anti-Racist Parent Columnist Jae Ran Kim, originally published at Harlow's Monkey.

"People ask me all the time for a "top 10" list of suggestions or rules that are must-do's regarding transracial adoption, and I'll admit that I have a really hard time doing this.

Mostly, it's because there is no easy prescription or formula for getting it right. This was pretty clearly demonstrated in the adult adoptee panel I spoke on this past weekend. The other two panelists and I had three very different experiences growing up. I am the only Korean child, with two younger siblings biological to my parents, and I grew up in a small town with no diversity at all and a community that did not understand racism or the effects of being the only person of color in a community. One of my fellow co-presenters is a mixed race adoptee with two white siblings (like me) but in a diverse setting with parents who understood the importance of diversity and actually pushed "culture" on her. And the other presenter was adopted with his biological brother and spent parts of his childhood in rural, suburban and inner city settings with liberal parents.

And yet - all three of us as adults had come to the same conclusion. It was not enough. We all struggled with our racial identity. We all felt like outsiders within our family and outsiders within our racial communities. It's not that we didn't feel loved, because I know that each of us on the panel never felt excluded or differentiated in that sense.

Understandably, this is confusing for prospective adoptive parents and adoptive parents. One audience member asked with clear frustration - what are they to do? Where is the balance? They don't want to push too much, like my co-presenter's parents nor ignore completely, like mine did. And I wish I could have given this prospecitve adoptive parent a more satisfactory answer.

The advice I can give is that each child will be different and their needs will be different over time. But, the choice to be involved in the child's community should never be dependent on the child.

What do I mean by that? Well, I mean that there will be times that the child won't want to attend culture camp, language lessons, or have tacos on Tuesday and egg rolls on Wednesday. But beign part of the child's community is more than those things, which amount only to cultural tourism. Being part of the community is dependent on the adults. The parents....It's not about "dropping the kids off at the curb" and coming back to pick them up later. That suggests that culture and diversity is the kid's job.

Sue at My Life Postponed has a great post about why she has her kids involved in cultural school. My favorite part is this:

"I don't take my kdis to culture school for the things they will learn...I take them there for the relationships. If I cannot model comfort with people of their own origin, then they will pick that up very fast and feel and reflect my own discomfort. I am not always comfortable but I have kept faking practicing comfort, as best I can, until it becomes more natural and it truly has. And once in awhile, in the midst of what fells like a whole lotta posing, an authentic connection just happens."

Remember my previous post where I mention how in the film Outside Looking In, none of the prospective adoptive parents did their "homework" of spending time in a community of color? I thought of this when I read the following from Sue:

"Sometimes I have to be the first to say hello, and have to smile a few tiems before the ice gets broken and sometimes the ice remains regardless of my effort and I take the cue to step back. I am also learning that just because someone is not immediately smiling and opening their heart to me, that does not mean they are hostile. Maybe they are shy, maybe they don't know what to make of our family, maybe there is a language barrier, maybe they have a headache, maybe they have mixed feelings about the environment or someone else nearby and I am taking a vibe - not meant for me - personally.

Community building is not easy for any of us. But we sure can make it easier for each other, if we keep trying. It requires vulnerability, and it requires persistence, and a lifetime commitment. Oh and a thick skin. It all starts with some basic manners, which can be difficult to remember when we are feeling plagues by all kinds of discomfort that systemic racism has taught us.

It's a responsibility that for our children's sake, we transracially adoptive parents should not evade. If we want our children to know that we accept them for exactly who they are, a genuine desire to be with and respect people who share their ethnic background is an important aspect of showing - rather than saying - how we feel."

For the adoptive parents reading this blog, I have a question that you don't have to answer - but please think about. When was the last time you participated in your child's community without using your child as your emotional crutch? That is, for you and you alone - not to "expose" your child to his/her community. Just for you. When was the last time you placed yourself in your child's community and left your child at home? Or do you feel more comfortable going into "their" community only when they are with you? Do you see it as "their" community, or is it truly the whole family's community?

There will likely be a time when Junior will say "forget it" and will refuse to go to culture camp or culture school. But he'll be watching. Watching to see if your involvement with "his people" ends if he decides to take a break.

Please read Sue's post. I thought it was honest and heart felt and a great example for adoptive parents.

Jae Ran Kim, MSW is a social worker, teacher and writer. She was born in Taegu, South Korea and was adopted to Minnesota in 1971. She has written numerous articles and essays and is most recently published in the anthology "Outsiders Within: Writings on Transracial Adoption" from South End Press." Jae Ran's blog is Harlow's Monkey.

The following is modified from "The Celebration of ‘Maskal’ – Finding of the True Cross" by Ermias Gulilat and "Finding of the True Cross" by The Ethiopian Tourism Commission.

Meskal has been celebrated in the country for over 1600

 years and has become an integral part of the Ethiopian 

Christian calendar. The word actually means "cros" and the feast commemorates the discovery of the cross upon which Jesus was crucified, by the Empress Helena, the mother of Constantine the Great. The original event took place on 19 March 326 AD. but the feast is now celebrated on 27 September. Many of the rites observed throughout the festival are said to be directly connected to the legend of Empress Helena.

By the middle of the afternoon the celebrations start. 

Many are seen wearing their brilliant white Ethiopian costumes. Meskal also signifies the physical presence of part of the True Cross at the church of Egziabher Ab, the remote mountain monastery of Gishen Mariam located north of Addis Ababa. In this monastery, there is a massive volume called the Tefut written during the reign of Zera Yacob (1434 - 1468), which records the story of how a fragment of the cross was acquired. A colorful procession of priests, deacons and choir boys and girls of Sunday schools wearing embroidered robes walk around a huge pyre, bearing ceremonial crosses and wooden torches decorated with olive leaves. As the sun begins to set, the torch-bearers move forward in unison to set alight the slender pyramid-shaped structure, topped with a cross made from the yellow flowers known as Maskal daisies which are placed on the tallest central pole.

The crowd of spectators are kept at bay while visitors are allowed to enter the inner circle in accordance with the Ethiopians age-old tradition of hostility. The casually dressed tourists form an incongruous contrast as they brandish their cameras, while around them the procession of proud clergy clad in dazzling ceremonial robes chant as they perform this ancient rite.

The origins of the celebration are expressed in the Ethiopian manuscript of parchment. It is said to date back to the discovery of the Byzantine Queen of Helena of the cross on which Jesus Christ was crucified. According to the manuscript, in the 20th year of the reign of her son Constantine, she set off for Jerusalem in search of the ‘life giving cross,’ which she eventually found after many trials and tribulations. She is said to have forced the Jews to reveal the whereabouts of this ‘Honourable Cross’, which allegedly lay under the hill of Golgotha, formed from sweepings, ashes and offal piled on the grave of Jesus Christ.

Helena is said to have found the Cross by lighting incense and following the smoke as it descended to earth. She caused bonfires to be lit on the hills of Palestine which could be seen across the sea by the people of Constantinople.

So how did the rediscovered cross come to Ethiopia? According to Tefut, a massive volume dating from the 15th Century which records the detailed story of the acquisition of a fragment of the True Cross by Ethiopia. The Christian Kings of Ethiopia were often called upon in the early Middle Ages to protect Egyptian Copts against the Egyptian Muslims. In return for this delivery from Muslim persecution, fabulous gifts of precious gold were offered to Ethiopian Emperor Dawit. He rejected these offerings and asked instead for four pieces of the True Cross, which were under the custody of the patriarch of Alexandria. The request was granted and the pieces brought to Ethiopia. They were guarded on the journey by torchbearers and then deposited in a church at Gishen, in northern Wollo dedicated to the Virgin Mary. Rejoicing followed throughout the whole country and the Emperor ordered that the capes of the priests be embroidered with flowers. Since that day, Ethiopian Christians are believed to have commemorated the occasion  with flaming torches and huge bonfires.

Emperor Dawit’s fourth son, Zara Yacob, succeeded him as Emperor and, when he was a very old man, dreamt that God ordered him to ‘place the cross upon a cross.’ Zara Yacob spent two years in abstinence, searching in seclusion, and at last discovered a mountain shaped like a cross. There he built the beautiful church of Egziabher Ab, and a fragment of the True Cross was kept within a gold box in the church. The priests of Gishen still safeguard this treasure along with the Tefut which is handwritten in Ge’ez on beautiful parchment.

Today Maskal is a religious and joyful annual social occasion that Christians throughout the country look forward to each year. Both women and men wear their national clothes, while youths boast and compete in fights with sticks. There is also jesting as well as flirting and courting sanctioned by the festival. These days, people return from the capital parade to their houses and bring the torches called Chibbo, to neighbourhood bonfire gatherings. The torchbearers chant as they circle the pyre, the Damera, (literally stack or pile of wooden torches), which are covered with cloth until a priest blesses it. The torchbearers then hurl their flames into the midst of the Dameras, while the gathering watches the blaze light up the night sky. On the following day people go to the bonfire and make the sign of the cross on their foreheads with the ash.

Amharic word list

This is a list I got from another adoptive mother. I found it quite interesting and thought maybe you would be interested as well.

I love you -->  ee-wha-de-halow (girl end in shal oh)
It’s ok honey -->  Ishee eye-zoe
Don’t be afraid -->  ah teh frah
These together are great for scary or sad times or bad dreams, etc…..
*Add “yay” to the end of the name for a term of endearment. Kedusyay, Natiyay, etc…. it is like saying Jilly or Sammy. They also use the "y" at the end like we do. It is an "i" as in Nati.

Ok -->  ishee
It is time to go to sleep -->  la ten ya
Go to sleep (command) -->  ten ya
Night night -->  mah Tah mah tah

No, don’t do that -->  tdoe
Stop -->  koom (girl koom ee)
Yes -->  ow
Good child -->  goe bez
Enough!  -->  Bakka
Wait  -->  Koi (girl koy ee)
Good job!  -->  Tih ROO sih RAH
That was bad, that is bad, it was a bad thing….  -->  Meht FOH
Good -->  tih roo
Are you ok? -->  Teh shah lekh (girl end in lesh)
Look  -->  ay (ay ee)
Sit down -->  koach ah bel
Come  -->  nah
Hello  -->  halo or seh lahm
Good bye  -->  chow
I’m sorry -->  yih kir tah


Mommy -- amay 
Daddy -->  ahb-baba
Small -->  tinish 
Big  -->  tih lihk
Dog  -->  woosha
Cat --> dumet
Bird -->  wuhf
Car -->  mah kee nah
Ball -->  kwas 
Shoes -->  chamahs
Clothes -->  libs
Blanket -->  bird libs
New -->  addis (new clothes, mommy, etc…)

Potty, pee --> shent 
Poop -->  kah kah
Brush teeth -->  broosh

Juice  -->  chee mah key
Milk  -->  wha tet
Water  -->  whu ha

Delicious (it is good) -->  yee tahf tahl
Do you want …? -->  tih fuh lih GAHL ekh (boy), tih fuh lih GAHL esh (girl)
Bottle (even for water) -->  TOO toh
A bad guy is  -->  lay-bah

Gorgora and the Susneyos Palace

Bahir Dar is a town set on the south-eastern shore of Lake Tana, where local fishermen still use papyrus boats. It is situated 37 kms from the spectacular Tisisat Falls. Here the Blue Nile creates "Smoking Water" an awe-inspiring sight as it plunges into the gorge below.

From Bahir Dar one must explore some of the ancient monasteries that have been built on the islands of Lake Tana, or on the many Islands. These include Dega Estephanos with its priceless collections of icons, as well as the remains of several medieval Emperors, Kebran Gabriel and Ura Kidane Mehret with its famous frescoes.

Kebran Gabriel is the principal monastery visited by male tourists from Bahir Dar, with its impressive Cathedral-like building first built at the end of the 17th century. Dega Estephanos, which is also closed to women, is on the island in the Lake, and the monastery is reached by a very steep and winding path. Although the church is relatively new (only hundred years old), it houses a Madonna painted in the 15th century. However, the treasury of the monastery is a prime attraction, with the remains of several Emperors, as well as their robes and jewels.

Near Gorgora, at the northern end of the Lake, the Susneyos palace is a forerunner of the magnificent palaces and castles of Gondar, and dates from the region of Emperor Susneyos. The sixteenth century Susneyos Palace served as a 'blueprint' for the famous palaces of Gondar. It was built by Catholic missionaries for Emperor Susneyos, founder of the Gondar dynasties.

During the reign of Emperor Susneyos (1606-1632) Bahir Dar attracted the interest of the Jesuits, who erected a tall (for that time) two-storey building in the compound of Saint George's church. This place of worship was renowned far and wide, so much so that the settlement was often spoken of as Bahir Dar Giyorgis. In the same area is the medieval church of the Debre Sina Mariam.