Drive-By Culture

Drive-by Culture from Love isn't Enough: On Raising a Family in a Colorstuck World, by Anti-Racist Parent Columnist Jae Ran Kim, originally published at Harlow's Monkey.

"People ask me all the time for a "top 10" list of suggestions or rules that are must-do's regarding transracial adoption, and I'll admit that I have a really hard time doing this.

Mostly, it's because there is no easy prescription or formula for getting it right. This was pretty clearly demonstrated in the adult adoptee panel I spoke on this past weekend. The other two panelists and I had three very different experiences growing up. I am the only Korean child, with two younger siblings biological to my parents, and I grew up in a small town with no diversity at all and a community that did not understand racism or the effects of being the only person of color in a community. One of my fellow co-presenters is a mixed race adoptee with two white siblings (like me) but in a diverse setting with parents who understood the importance of diversity and actually pushed "culture" on her. And the other presenter was adopted with his biological brother and spent parts of his childhood in rural, suburban and inner city settings with liberal parents.

And yet - all three of us as adults had come to the same conclusion. It was not enough. We all struggled with our racial identity. We all felt like outsiders within our family and outsiders within our racial communities. It's not that we didn't feel loved, because I know that each of us on the panel never felt excluded or differentiated in that sense.

Understandably, this is confusing for prospective adoptive parents and adoptive parents. One audience member asked with clear frustration - what are they to do? Where is the balance? They don't want to push too much, like my co-presenter's parents nor ignore completely, like mine did. And I wish I could have given this prospecitve adoptive parent a more satisfactory answer.

The advice I can give is that each child will be different and their needs will be different over time. But, the choice to be involved in the child's community should never be dependent on the child.

What do I mean by that? Well, I mean that there will be times that the child won't want to attend culture camp, language lessons, or have tacos on Tuesday and egg rolls on Wednesday. But beign part of the child's community is more than those things, which amount only to cultural tourism. Being part of the community is dependent on the adults. The parents....It's not about "dropping the kids off at the curb" and coming back to pick them up later. That suggests that culture and diversity is the kid's job.

Sue at My Life Postponed has a great post about why she has her kids involved in cultural school. My favorite part is this:

"I don't take my kdis to culture school for the things they will learn...I take them there for the relationships. If I cannot model comfort with people of their own origin, then they will pick that up very fast and feel and reflect my own discomfort. I am not always comfortable but I have kept faking practicing comfort, as best I can, until it becomes more natural and it truly has. And once in awhile, in the midst of what fells like a whole lotta posing, an authentic connection just happens."

Remember my previous post where I mention how in the film Outside Looking In, none of the prospective adoptive parents did their "homework" of spending time in a community of color? I thought of this when I read the following from Sue:

"Sometimes I have to be the first to say hello, and have to smile a few tiems before the ice gets broken and sometimes the ice remains regardless of my effort and I take the cue to step back. I am also learning that just because someone is not immediately smiling and opening their heart to me, that does not mean they are hostile. Maybe they are shy, maybe they don't know what to make of our family, maybe there is a language barrier, maybe they have a headache, maybe they have mixed feelings about the environment or someone else nearby and I am taking a vibe - not meant for me - personally.

Community building is not easy for any of us. But we sure can make it easier for each other, if we keep trying. It requires vulnerability, and it requires persistence, and a lifetime commitment. Oh and a thick skin. It all starts with some basic manners, which can be difficult to remember when we are feeling plagues by all kinds of discomfort that systemic racism has taught us.

It's a responsibility that for our children's sake, we transracially adoptive parents should not evade. If we want our children to know that we accept them for exactly who they are, a genuine desire to be with and respect people who share their ethnic background is an important aspect of showing - rather than saying - how we feel."

For the adoptive parents reading this blog, I have a question that you don't have to answer - but please think about. When was the last time you participated in your child's community without using your child as your emotional crutch? That is, for you and you alone - not to "expose" your child to his/her community. Just for you. When was the last time you placed yourself in your child's community and left your child at home? Or do you feel more comfortable going into "their" community only when they are with you? Do you see it as "their" community, or is it truly the whole family's community?

There will likely be a time when Junior will say "forget it" and will refuse to go to culture camp or culture school. But he'll be watching. Watching to see if your involvement with "his people" ends if he decides to take a break.

Please read Sue's post. I thought it was honest and heart felt and a great example for adoptive parents.

Jae Ran Kim, MSW is a social worker, teacher and writer. She was born in Taegu, South Korea and was adopted to Minnesota in 1971. She has written numerous articles and essays and is most recently published in the anthology "Outsiders Within: Writings on Transracial Adoption" from South End Press." Jae Ran's blog is Harlow's Monkey.

Back on

Our adoption is back on track after a short break. We really needed that little bit of time to get our current family settled in before continuing on this adventure.

Matthew and I attended our 7 1/2 hours of mandatory adoption education (the state of Wisconsin mandates a total of 18 hours for all adoptions). We have another two days of courses...one more 7 1/2 hours and one more four hour class complete with ethnic potluck dinner and family presentations.

On hold

Our adoption is currently on temporary hold. With our recent move and the stress that goes along with it we feel that it would be best for our family to settle in here in De Pere before proceeding with our adoption. However, in a few months we will be back at it and we will bring our babies home!

Why adopt?

To quote another bloger/adoptive mother:

1. Every 5 seconds a child dies from a preventable disease/starvation in Africa.

2. Globally each day 30,000 children dies from prevenatable disease, food born illness, and starvation. This is equal to 100 jumbo jets full of children crashing.

3. There are 6 million suffering from malnutrition in Ethiopia.

4. In the next month 120,000 children under the age of 5 will perish because of starvation in Ethiopia.

5. Six of the nine regions in Ethiopia are experiencing a drought that has dramatically effected food production.

Once our eyes are open we cannot pretend we do not know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows we know and holds us responsible to act.

Proverbs 24.12

A Step of Faith

As many of you know, I have a heart for missions. It is truly amazing to me to see God's work in the world through even the smallest hands in His family. We are all adopted

into God's family through Christ Jesus and we have all received the call to care for the world's orphans. While not all of us are called to adopt these children, we are all called upon to assist them in some way.

We are stepping out in faith and I know that our needs will be met by God. It feels like God is leading us out on a limb, when in reality God has built the bridge for us to walk over. But my sinful nature – always wanting to know everything and having to have control of everything – keeps me from the enormous blessing of trusting in God's will.

Of course there are worries involved with an international adoption but I have this strange calmness about me when it comes to our decision. With that being said, Matthew and I are confident that God is calling us to adopt two children from Ethiopia and while we know that adoption is expensive, even for one child, we know that God is good and He will provide the strength and support needed to see our children home to us!

Adoptive Families the Norm for Christian Families

So I'm reading the book "Passing On the Faith," by Merton P. Strommen and Richard A. Hardel in preparation for a class I'm going to teach at Concordia University- Wisconsin (pretty good read, by the way... if you're at all involved in family ministry or in ensuring that the children of your congregation are raised in the faith).  I'm not very far into it yet, but the first chapter talks a lot about how strong, life-changing families need to build and maintain two key relationship- a strong family relationship and a strong relationship with God.  The argument is that these relationships are two sides of the same coin and that the church needs to help families to encourage and support this sort of faith formation in the home.  The chapter then goes on to try and define what family is (you have to decide on what family "is" before you can try and address how to help it!).  It was in this context, then, that I came across this throwaway paragraph that speaks strongly to the notion of adoptive familes as normative for the definition of a Christian family:

As the first and most basic community, the family acts as a model for other, larger faith-learning communities. Diana Garland, director of the Family Ministry Project located at Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary, in Kentucky, defines family. According to her, the model of family that Jesus endorses is the adoptive family. The last act of Jesus' earthly ministry recorded in the Gospel of John enacts that adoptive model. Jesus turns to his mother and says, "Woman, behold your son." Then turning to the beloved disciple he says, "Behold your mother." The Church follows Christ by ensuring that no one in the family of faith is familyless- everyone is adopted into the family."                                        (revised edition,  2008,  p.23).

Not only do I agree wholeheartedly with this quote from Diana Garland, but I think it strikes right to the heart of what Maggie and I wish to do.  Although I believe Garland's intention was to state that the congregation itself functions as a family of believers, thereby ensuring that no one in the congregation be "familyless," still I think it speaks to our domestic families as well.  After all, it seems pretty clear that God is calling Christians to reach out in Christ-like love to many types of needy people- orphans being (if not foremost) at least prominent in that group.

God is speaking to His people through His Word, calling us to love one another as Christ has loved us (1 John 4:19),  the question for us is: are we listening?

Adoption Statistics in Africa

Did you know?  Every 15 SECONDS, another child becomes an AIDS orphan in Africa.  That translates (if you do the math) to 5760 children becoming orphans every day, or approximately 2,102,400 per year.  Those statistics are for AIDS orphans from Africa.  But by contrast, the number of adoptions worldwide per year is only around 250,000.  Even a hasty glance shows that this translates to millions of children every year going un-adopted.  It breaks my heart to think of millions of children growing up into adulthood each year with no one to belong to and no place to call home.

A prayer for orphans:

Almighty God, I pray to you in the name of Your dear Son, our Lord Jesus Christ.  O Lord, be a source of strength and hope for orphaned children in Africa and everywhere.   Protect them from all danger and grant Your abiding presence. For those who are awaiting adoption, O Lord, grant them loving care-givers.  And move your people everywhere, Lord, to consider adoption.  Grant loving families, O Lord, to those who have lost their parents... loving families that will love them, feed them, house them, and lead them to faith in Your Son Jesus.  through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

Isen's Excitement

In the past week Isen has realized that our family is somehow connected to Ethiopia. He had kept forgetting that his new baby brother or sister would be joining our family from Ethiopia but now he finally understands exactly why Ethiopia is important to us. It is so exciting that he has come to this conclusion all on his own! Enoch and Keenen still don't understand, but they are too young to really understand much. I am surprised that Isen has, seeing as he is only five.

Tomorrow we will be giving a presentation at our church regarding our adoption. It is amazing how God has blessed us with such wonderful family and friends! We will be having an Ethiopian dinner...just a sampler of some foods. I will be showing pictures of Ethiopia and talking about the culture, the people and our adoption. It is exciting to be doing something again for our adoption.

Ethiopian Monolithic Churches

I was thinking this morning that Maggie and I have embarked ourselves upon a journey. The path upon which we're traveling is oriented toward the eventual adoption of our youngest child from Ethiopia. As a result, I thought a post about some of the sights in Ethiopia might be appropriate to describe. In this post, I'll highlight one of the (little known) wonders of the world.

I'd like to introduce you to Lalibela, a holy city of the Ethiopian Orthodox Church and a pilgrimage site for centuries. It lies in the north of Ethiopia and the eleven churches there are regarded as one of the wonders of the world. They are all excavated -literally carved- right out of the bedrock. Carved into the solid rock, they are an immense maze of underground tunnels and passageways.

Ethiopian tradition says that they were carved in one night by angels. The legend goes that King Lalibela (the Ethiopian monarch in the late 12th to early 13th centuries A.D.) was carried off one night to the heavenly Jerusalem. There he was instructed to build the churches and that angels worked beside each men as they cut each one from the rock.

Some scholars, noting that the style of the Lalibela churches closely matches the architecture of ancient Aksum (the capital during Ethiopia's "golden years" of the 1st to 10th centuries) believe the churches are actually older than that- that some may in fact be converted palaces.
In any case, after King Lalibela's death, the city began to draw thousands of pilgrims coming to see the "new Jerusalem." The people of Ethiopia have a saying about Lalibela that goes like this: "If you do not wish to see Lalibela, you are like someone who has no desire to see the face of Christ."

The Orphan's Cry: "Abba, Father!"

When I was a youngster, I used to love to sit down at the piano and play and sing a song by Steve Fry called "Abba Father." (O.K., I still love to sit the song, but that's not germane to my point!) It's a song that takes up Jesus' cry of "Abba, Father" in the Garden of Gethsemane on the night of His betrayal. Over the last couple weeks as Maggie and I have been starting to pursue our hope of adopting a child from Ethiopia, I have been greatly encouraged by this Word of our Lord. When Jesus used it, when He addressed His Father (and our Father) on that terrible night, He was crying out for deliverance.

Yet, even though Jesus was clearly and understandably frightened and trembling at the prospect of being crucified for us, still I don't believe this was Jesus primarily crying out for Himself. It was not simply His humanity crying out for deliverance from suffering. Rather, I believe it was His cry of deliverance for you, for me, for all the orphans in this world needing adoption by the Father.

The key, for me, is the context in which Jesus prays this impassioned prayer, this impassioned cry for deliverance. "Abba, Father" is what Jesus cried out, as I said before, in the Garden of Gethsemane on the night He was betrayed. It was the beginning of that three-days work which would culminate with the cross and the empty tomb. Listen to how Mark tells us in His Gospel: "And going a little farther, [Jesus] fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, "Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. YET NOW WHAT I WILL, BUT WHAT YOU WILL" (Mark 14:35-36, emphasis mine).

Notice how Jesus is not primarily praying for Himself. Even though He was "sorrowful even unto death" (v.34)... even though Jesus WAS praying that God would determine a different way and obviate the need for His own terrible suffering and death... even still (and above all), Jesus was praying for US: He was praying for the removal of the cup of his Father's wrath against our sin. He was praying for our deliverance, that God would take pity on us poor unworthy orphans and adopt as His own sons, worthy of (and heirs of) eternal life. It's a truth we see confirmed by Jesus' humble submission to His Father's will when He drank every last drop in order to deliver us from what we justly deserved.

Good News for Us
"Abba, Father" is also a prayer that God the Father answered. Oh, He didn't answer it in maybe the way that we would have expected; but He answered it in the way that was the best for us. God HAS granted us deliverance. God the Father sent Jesus Christ to the cross in order to answer the cry of Jesus' heart- His desire that we be redeemed from our sin and damnation. The Father enabled His Son to humbly submit to the cross and that, in turn, has resulted in an indescribably good gift to us: the gift of sonship through adoption. St. Paul writes in Galatians 4 that "when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so THAT WE MIGHT RECEIVE ADOPTION AS SONS. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, "ABBA! FATHER!" (vv. 4-6, emphasis mine).

Jesus submitted to His Father's Will "for the joy that was set before him" (Heb. 12:2). And because Jesus did that, because Jesus went to the cross for us and earned us adoption into the Father's family... again, because we are now adopted as the Father's sons, we also now have the right to pray that same prayer Jesus prayed. We now have the right to address the Holy God of Hosts as Father, as "Abba, Father" knowing that, because of Christ, God is our true Father and we are His true children" (Martin Luther, Small Catechism, Lord's Prayer Introduction).

How Should We Respond to God's Great Gift?

There are many different ways and avenues through which God moves His people to respond to the Gospel. For Maggie and I, we believe that God is answering our cry of "Abba, Father!" by leading us to James 1: "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction" (v.27a).

Some people are moved by the love of Christ to sing at nursing homes (as one dear departed friend of mine was moved to do for many years). Others are moved to volunteer at the local food pantry. Others are moved to provide a place of home and shelter for abused women. Finally, others are called to "visit orphans"; that is, to provide a home for those who have no home, to provide a family to those who have lost their family, to bring the adoptive love of God to someone needing the Father's love.

In sum, we believe that our family is missing someone- that God has given us a family full of love, love which is overflowing. As the Father has loved us, so He is calling us to love others: in particular, to love one little child who (perhaps not even born yet) has no father, who has no mother. How do we know this? I don't know; we just do; God works in mysterious ways (see John 13:7). He is calling us through the Word. We know that God has adopted us, and that when pray "Abba, Father!" that God is answering our cry. To God alone be glory, Amen.

An Inter-racial Family

I just read a post on a Yahoo.group that totally remind me of where I was just a few weeks ago...before we told my family about our decision. The post was on starting an interracial family in the rural midwest where the population is 99% caucasian. I must admitt that I struggled with this idea for a while but then I talked with a friend of mine whose family had adopted two children, one from China and the other from Sierre Leone. With her help and along with lots of prayer I came to the following conclusion:

We are drawn to Ethiopia for a reason and I believe that reason is to help a child. Would we be happy just with our three boys? Yes, we would be happy just having our three boys but we feel that our family is missing someone and that we are being called to help a child in need. We feel that a lot of people out there are helping children here in the United States and a lot are helping children from Europe and Asia but there seems to be a need for people willing to adopt from Africa. Ethiopia's culture is an amazing one and the people there are truly beautiful. I try to keep that in mind when people look at me and say "why a black child"? We already love our child and have yet to complete our home study! That is what I need to keep in mind. The minute people see our child they will not see his/her color. I truly believe that people are good and will get past their prejudices if they are given the chance. If they don't that is their own fault and I will avoid them or ignore them -- which will be hard but all I need to do is remember that my child looks like me. MY child will have two eyes, a nose, ears, a mouth...all the features I have. MY child will also have skin, just like me, who cares what the color of that skin is...it does not change how I feel or my ability to love and care for your child!

God would not be leading me here if it was not where I was suppose to go.

To the women I respond to...I pray that all goes well for you and your family should you chose to adopt from Ethiopia!