Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Drive-By Culture
Drive-by Culture from Love isn't Enough: On Raising a Family in a Colorstuck World, by Anti-Racist Parent Columnist Jae Ran Kim, originally published at Harlow's Monkey.
"People ask me all the time for a "top 10" list of suggestions or rules that are must-do's regarding transracial adoption, and I'll admit that I have a really hard time doing this.
Mostly, it's because there is no easy prescription or formula for getting it right. This was pretty clearly demonstrated in the adult adoptee panel I spoke on this past weekend. The other two panelists and I had three very different experiences growing up. I am the only Korean child, with two younger siblings biological to my parents, and I grew up in a small town with no diversity at all and a community that did not understand racism or the effects of being the only person of color in a community. One of my fellow co-presenters is a mixed race adoptee with two white siblings (like me) but in a diverse setting with parents who understood the importance of diversity and actually pushed "culture" on her. And the other presenter was adopted with his biological brother and spent parts of his childhood in rural, suburban and inner city settings with liberal parents.
And yet - all three of us as adults had come to the same conclusion. It was not enough. We all struggled with our racial identity. We all felt like outsiders within our family and outsiders within our racial communities. It's not that we didn't feel loved, because I know that each of us on the panel never felt excluded or differentiated in that sense.
Understandably, this is confusing for prospective adoptive parents and adoptive parents. One audience member asked with clear frustration - what are they to do? Where is the balance? They don't want to push too much, like my co-presenter's parents nor ignore completely, like mine did. And I wish I could have given this prospecitve adoptive parent a more satisfactory answer.
The advice I can give is that each child will be different and their needs will be different over time. But, the choice to be involved in the child's community should never be dependent on the child.
What do I mean by that? Well, I mean that there will be times that the child won't want to attend culture camp, language lessons, or have tacos on Tuesday and egg rolls on Wednesday. But beign part of the child's community is more than those things, which amount only to cultural tourism. Being part of the community is dependent on the adults. The parents....It's not about "dropping the kids off at the curb" and coming back to pick them up later. That suggests that culture and diversity is the kid's job.
Sue at My Life Postponed has a great post about why she has her kids involved in cultural school. My favorite part is this:
"I don't take my kdis to culture school for the things they will learn...I take them there for the relationships. If I cannot model comfort with people of their own origin, then they will pick that up very fast and feel and reflect my own discomfort. I am not always comfortable but I have kept faking practicing comfort, as best I can, until it becomes more natural and it truly has. And once in awhile, in the midst of what fells like a whole lotta posing, an authentic connection just happens."
Remember my previous post where I mention how in the film Outside Looking In, none of the prospective adoptive parents did their "homework" of spending time in a community of color? I thought of this when I read the following from Sue:
"Sometimes I have to be the first to say hello, and have to smile a few tiems before the ice gets broken and sometimes the ice remains regardless of my effort and I take the cue to step back. I am also learning that just because someone is not immediately smiling and opening their heart to me, that does not mean they are hostile. Maybe they are shy, maybe they don't know what to make of our family, maybe there is a language barrier, maybe they have a headache, maybe they have mixed feelings about the environment or someone else nearby and I am taking a vibe - not meant for me - personally.
Community building is not easy for any of us. But we sure can make it easier for each other, if we keep trying. It requires vulnerability, and it requires persistence, and a lifetime commitment. Oh and a thick skin. It all starts with some basic manners, which can be difficult to remember when we are feeling plagues by all kinds of discomfort that systemic racism has taught us.
It's a responsibility that for our children's sake, we transracially adoptive parents should not evade. If we want our children to know that we accept them for exactly who they are, a genuine desire to be with and respect people who share their ethnic background is an important aspect of showing - rather than saying - how we feel."
For the adoptive parents reading this blog, I have a question that you don't have to answer - but please think about. When was the last time you participated in your child's community without using your child as your emotional crutch? That is, for you and you alone - not to "expose" your child to his/her community. Just for you. When was the last time you placed yourself in your child's community and left your child at home? Or do you feel more comfortable going into "their" community only when they are with you? Do you see it as "their" community, or is it truly the whole family's community?
There will likely be a time when Junior will say "forget it" and will refuse to go to culture camp or culture school. But he'll be watching. Watching to see if your involvement with "his people" ends if he decides to take a break.
Please read Sue's post. I thought it was honest and heart felt and a great example for adoptive parents.
Jae Ran Kim, MSW is a social worker, teacher and writer. She was born in Taegu, South Korea and was adopted to Minnesota in 1971. She has written numerous articles and essays and is most recently published in the anthology "Outsiders Within: Writings on Transracial Adoption" from South End Press." Jae Ran's blog is Harlow's Monkey.
"People ask me all the time for a "top 10" list of suggestions or rules that are must-do's regarding transracial adoption, and I'll admit that I have a really hard time doing this.
Mostly, it's because there is no easy prescription or formula for getting it right. This was pretty clearly demonstrated in the adult adoptee panel I spoke on this past weekend. The other two panelists and I had three very different experiences growing up. I am the only Korean child, with two younger siblings biological to my parents, and I grew up in a small town with no diversity at all and a community that did not understand racism or the effects of being the only person of color in a community. One of my fellow co-presenters is a mixed race adoptee with two white siblings (like me) but in a diverse setting with parents who understood the importance of diversity and actually pushed "culture" on her. And the other presenter was adopted with his biological brother and spent parts of his childhood in rural, suburban and inner city settings with liberal parents.And yet - all three of us as adults had come to the same conclusion. It was not enough. We all struggled with our racial identity. We all felt like outsiders within our family and outsiders within our racial communities. It's not that we didn't feel loved, because I know that each of us on the panel never felt excluded or differentiated in that sense.
Understandably, this is confusing for prospective adoptive parents and adoptive parents. One audience member asked with clear frustration - what are they to do? Where is the balance? They don't want to push too much, like my co-presenter's parents nor ignore completely, like mine did. And I wish I could have given this prospecitve adoptive parent a more satisfactory answer.
The advice I can give is that each child will be different and their needs will be different over time. But, the choice to be involved in the child's community should never be dependent on the child.
What do I mean by that? Well, I mean that there will be times that the child won't want to attend culture camp, language lessons, or have tacos on Tuesday and egg rolls on Wednesday. But beign part of the child's community is more than those things, which amount only to cultural tourism. Being part of the community is dependent on the adults. The parents....It's not about "dropping the kids off at the curb" and coming back to pick them up later. That suggests that culture and diversity is the kid's job.
Sue at My Life Postponed has a great post about why she has her kids involved in cultural school. My favorite part is this:
"I don't take my kdis to culture school for the things they will learn...I take them there for the relationships. If I cannot model comfort with people of their own origin, then they will pick that up very fast and feel and reflect my own discomfort. I am not always comfortable but I have kept faking practicing comfort, as best I can, until it becomes more natural and it truly has. And once in awhile, in the midst of what fells like a whole lotta posing, an authentic connection just happens."
Remember my previous post where I mention how in the film Outside Looking In, none of the prospective adoptive parents did their "homework" of spending time in a community of color? I thought of this when I read the following from Sue:
"Sometimes I have to be the first to say hello, and have to smile a few tiems before the ice gets broken and sometimes the ice remains regardless of my effort and I take the cue to step back. I am also learning that just because someone is not immediately smiling and opening their heart to me, that does not mean they are hostile. Maybe they are shy, maybe they don't know what to make of our family, maybe there is a language barrier, maybe they have a headache, maybe they have mixed feelings about the environment or someone else nearby and I am taking a vibe - not meant for me - personally.
Community building is not easy for any of us. But we sure can make it easier for each other, if we keep trying. It requires vulnerability, and it requires persistence, and a lifetime commitment. Oh and a thick skin. It all starts with some basic manners, which can be difficult to remember when we are feeling plagues by all kinds of discomfort that systemic racism has taught us.
It's a responsibility that for our children's sake, we transracially adoptive parents should not evade. If we want our children to know that we accept them for exactly who they are, a genuine desire to be with and respect people who share their ethnic background is an important aspect of showing - rather than saying - how we feel."
For the adoptive parents reading this blog, I have a question that you don't have to answer - but please think about. When was the last time you participated in your child's community without using your child as your emotional crutch? That is, for you and you alone - not to "expose" your child to his/her community. Just for you. When was the last time you placed yourself in your child's community and left your child at home? Or do you feel more comfortable going into "their" community only when they are with you? Do you see it as "their" community, or is it truly the whole family's community?
There will likely be a time when Junior will say "forget it" and will refuse to go to culture camp or culture school. But he'll be watching. Watching to see if your involvement with "his people" ends if he decides to take a break.
Please read Sue's post. I thought it was honest and heart felt and a great example for adoptive parents.
Jae Ran Kim, MSW is a social worker, teacher and writer. She was born in Taegu, South Korea and was adopted to Minnesota in 1971. She has written numerous articles and essays and is most recently published in the anthology "Outsiders Within: Writings on Transracial Adoption" from South End Press." Jae Ran's blog is Harlow's Monkey.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Moving Forward....Again
Once again we are moving forward with our adoption. Things had been put on hold again due to a stressful situation at our church. After much time spend in discussion with each other, much more time spent in prayer and some very encouraging words from a member's daughter we are again moving forward.
Our case worker with LSS will receive our background checks this week. Our case worker with CHSF will finally receive our questionnaire next week and then we move forward with our dossier.
We could still use prayers as always but God has given us strength and peace to continue on this journey!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Appointment & Orphan Ministry
So, I have finished up the homestudy paperwork finally (we missed a few things) and I redid the background checks since they are no longer good. Now I just need to go and see a therapist who will write something up that my post-partum issues are resolved and I will be just fine parenting more kids. I had an appointment last week but it was snowing and the road were not the greatest so I cancelled it. Now Matthew is going to reschedule it for me since I have lost my voice today.
Hope also received a call from a pastor at Beautiful Savior Lutheran Church in Plover, WI about joining them in their orphan ministry. It turns out that the pastor and his wife from Beautiful Savior adopted children from Ethiopia. We have also made other numerous connections with families in the area who have adopted or are planning on adopting from Ethiopia and there is growing interested in starting up a group of families to meet every now and then to keep our childrens' culture alive.
In other news I am attempting to put together a Q&A section regarding our adoption. So look for that in the days to come.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Still Waiting!
Ahhhhh! We are still waiting on paperwork. It is so frustrating at times...no, change that, it is always frustrating.I am trying to look at this hold up as giving us more time to prepare for our adoption and our children's homecoming but it is difficult.
Prayers would be greatly appreciated. Blessings to you all!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Paperwork
That may seem like a never-ending theme here in our house and that is because, well...it is! Hopefully the last of it (for this portion) will go out by Friday. Big plans...I know and I am so good at following through on those big plans all the time.
I have been having trouble reaching a doctor who needs to write a letter for our file. It has been so frustrating and if I can't get a hold of him I am not sure what the next step is.
Prayers would be helpful!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Will the paperwork ever end?
It really is amazing how much paperwork is required to proceed with an international adoption (it might be the same for domestic adoptions... I don't know). It just makes you wonder, is part of the reason for all the questions we answer (many of which are the same questions answered multiple times on multiple forms to multiple recipients) designed to test our endurance? I wonder sometimes how many prospective adoptive parents (people who have oodles of love to share) just get lost in all the forms that must be filled out and never proceed to the end stage of the adoption process? How many more orphaned or abandoned children who desperately need homes would receive them if adoption were a little bit easier and a little less expensive?
I continue to pray that God would help guide us through the remainder of this process and pray that God place a loving parent in the life of every needy child. God's love, after all, is unlimited, boundless, unconditional, and free... would that we could shower that love of God everywhere it's needed.
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